The Top Yet-To-Be-Developed Smartphone Apps

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Editor's Note: I was a lazy kid. Fortunately, I grew up just 10 houses away from an equally lazy, if not lazier kid than myself. The 20+ year friendship I’ve had with Greg Goldman grew purely out of laziness. We were both victims of Suburban USA. Our bikes could only take us so far... and we were really lazy. I didn’t even like Greg for the first couple of years. By time third grade rolled around, I think we both realized that neither of us was going to do much better in the best-friend department. We settled on each other, and haven’t come up with a good enough reason to stop being friends since then.  If you're offended by any of the following, take it up with him.     
-Bogas
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By: Gregor

When I’m distracted or not paying attention to what's going on around me, my brain tends to “think” on its own without consulting me first. I’ve spoken to said "brain" about this and we have yet to come to an agreement on how to move forward.  I've noticed that I tend to do most of my thinking in what I like to call "thinking zones" (riding the subway without cellphone service, failed attempts at falling asleep sober, or waiting for the deli guy to mess up my sandwich order).  I've had a lot of useless ideas that will never come to fruition.   Recently, I was at the deli waiting for a sandwich I likely didn't order, and I decided to conjure up some yet-to-be-invented smartphone apps. If such shitty and useless inventions like condoms, electric razors, Drano, DirecTV, and v-necks can survive the market, I don't see why these apps can't happen... **Disclaimer: It should be noted these apps are for rotten people with no souls or low moral standards (unlike myself who's nothing but a genuine, honest and stand up individual).**

The Liar App - Everyone has people in their lives (loved ones mostly) who they want, or sometimes need to lie to, but they can’t because it’s so difficult with all these global positioning systems, status updates, checking-in, etc. We are living in the age of transparency, causing tough times for the serial liars out there. This app is really simple: it manipulates information on your emails, call logs, texts, GPS status, etc. Say you have a co-worker who wants to hang out all the time and you just can’t stand to see the look on his face when you tell him you don’t want to go to his lame ugly sweater party. So you tell him you’re going to call him on Friday (blatant lie) and then when you see him on Monday you show him your phone which shows three phone calls to him. This app can also check you into places, like “Volunteering at Soup Kitchen” or at an “Art Gallery Opening” while you’re really watching the fifth season of Peep Show at home by yourself. 

He Said/She Said App - Where the Liar App is a tool to help prevent you from getting into a jam, this app is designed to help you get out of one. This simple, yet effective app may save your relationship.  You start off by typing something that your significant other says or asks of you, and the app formulates a response that will keep you out of the doghouse. For example, when your girlfriend says, “The cherry blossoms are blooming at the botanical garden right now, we should go!” The app will formulate a few suggested responses like, “Yes, I’ve been meaning to check out the Japanese hill and pond garden,” or “Let’s go right now!” and then a few suggested responses to avoid like “Are you kidding me? I'd rather kill myself,” and “Why don’t you just go with your sister?”

"What Race Is This Person?" - I’m not racist. I can prove it because I went to a Rock Against Racism concert 10 years ago and bought a t-shirt.  This evidence clearly shows my unquestionable acceptance of all races and cultures, so here are the details: The purpose of this app is to avoid coming off as uneducated, awkward, and (most importantly) racist in social settings. The app works by taking a picture of the person in question and it details that person’s racial/ethnic background.  So to use myself as an example, if someone was curious of my race they could discreetly take a picture of me and this would show up: | 3rd generation American | White-Eastern European Dissent | Kinda Jewish. Nobody wants to have to awkwardly ask the Korean guy in accounting if he has any recommendations for your trip to Thailand, or piss off the Turkish waitress by asking if just one or both of her parents are Mexican. It could also come in handy for your “Italian” friend who's actually 6% Italian, but claims otherwise.

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About the Author: Greg, no stranger to the internet, wrote and directed one of my favorite YouTube videos of all-time (shout out to the stars of the video- "Slippery" Pete Hill and Tim "Don't call me TJ" Sanders). Greg has also made an appearance on Epic Blogas before, when he invited me to join him on his Sports Dudes webcast in 2011.  Look for more contributions from him in the future.    
-Bogas

The Five Greatest TV Drinking Buddies

Don't call it a comeback...
I should start off by apologizing for disappearing for over a year.  It's sort of like that time your dad told you he was going out to get some groceries, didn't come back, and abandoned you and your mom so he could start a new life and family with his secretary.  Thirteen months later he realized his secretary was a bigger bitch than your mom and his new step-kid was more horrible than you, so he came crawling back asking for your forgiveness.  That's me.  I'm back, and I want your forgiveness.  Can I promise you that I won't abandon you again?  No, no I can't.  But I did bring this puppy and shiny new bike with me.

Why now?
"Mad Men" is returning for its fifth season and I really like TV.  Thanks to it being available on Netflix's streaming library, I was able to get caught up during the 17-month hiatus.  After the first season I knew "Mad Men" would join the ranks of my favorite TV shows.  Don and Roger had some great alcohol-induced moments in the first four seasons.  This got me thinking - what other TV tandems stack up with these two liquor loving lushes?

The criteria.
I wanted to come up with a top ten, but I had a tough enough time coming up with just five.  I also had to limit it to shows that I've watched.  I've seen my fair share of TV, but I couldn't bring myself to write about shows/characters that I didn't know much about ("MASH," "How I Met Your Mother," etc.).  Additionally, it had to be about two (or more) characters who we associate alcohol consumption with, not characters who got got drunk once (name a sitcom that didn't have at least one drunk episode), or a character who didn't really have a drinking buddy (ex. Archie Bunker).

It's good to be back.  Enjoy.

Drink Up

Cliff and Norm

Who: Cliff Clavin and Norm Peterson, Cheers (1982-1993)

What: Beer


Where: Cheers

When: Usually after work

Why: Because sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. 

Classic moment:  To preface this, I do not consider myself a "Cheers" expert, whereas I like to think I'm well-versed in the other four shows mentioned in this post.  I always respected "Cheers," but didn't learn to appreciate it until recently.  Also worth noting, Cliff and Norm spent almost all of their on-screen time drinking together at Cheers so I had a tough time choosing one moment. Their interactions are always among the funniest parts of any episode.  I'm sure there are hundreds of other moments I could have chosen, but I saw this one recently, and it's also on YouTube:       

Moe, Homer and Barney

Who: Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, The Simpsons (1989- )

What: Duff Beer

Where: Moe’s Tavern

Why: Barney is essentially Homer without the job, wife, and kids.  These childhood friends have been enjoying Duff beer at Moe’s Tavern since "The Simpsons" debuted back in 1989. Despite various attempts at sobriety, name changes to Moe’s, running competing plow businesses, etc., these two drinking buddies always manage to come together over a nice frosty Duff at Springfield's best dive bar.

Classic moment: One of my favorite Homer/Barney benders was in "Duffless," the 16th episode of the fourth season. Homer and Barney are leaving a tour of the Duff Brewery and Barney is about to get in the driver's seat. Homer, believing he's less drunk than Barney, unsuccessfully tries to knock Barney out (first with a punch, then with a crowbar and finally by repeatedly closing the car door on his head).  Barney relents and gives Homer the keys.  Without fail, Homer falls victim to a DUI sting.  As he passes the field sobriety test and is about to be sent on his way, Barney (now sitting in the driver's seat) suggests to the police that they give Homer a breathalyzer test. The police oblige, and Homer fails.

Bunk and McNulty

Who: Bunk Moreland and Jimmy McNulty, The Wire (2002-2008)

What:  Jameson

Where:  Anywhere in Baltimore where they see fit.  On the job or after work.  Depends on the mood they’re in.

Why:  These two tortured souls love three things in life: po-lice work, women and whiskey.



Classic moment:  In a first season episode, McNulty approaches his partner, Bunk, about lying to a fellow detective so that he can proceed with a case of his own.  Bunk begrudgingly accepts.  When their shift ends, they head to a bar where McNulty picks up the tab as a repayment to for Bunk helping him out.  As McNulty is getting ready to leave, he realizes that Bunk is making eyes at a woman across the bar.  Bunk asks McNulty to call his wife and tell him that he picked up a case and he won’t be home for awhile.  McNulty looks skeptical, but has no other choice when Bunk drops, “I lied for you didn’t I?”  I could try to describe what happens next, but I wouldn't be doing it any justice, so just watch:  

  

The Gang: Dennis, Mac, Dee, Charlie, and Frank

Who: The Gang, from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005- )

What: Alcohol.

When: Yes.

Why: Because it's funny.  

Where: Paddy’s Pub

Classic Moment:  The evolution of Frank Reynolds has been one of the greatest aspects of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."  By time we get to the fifth season,  Frank is nothing like the relatively mild-mannered Frank we met in the beginning of season 2.  He is now a walking shit show.  In "The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention," there's no doubt in my mind that Danny DeVito is genuinely drunk in the opening scenes, and perhaps throughout the entire episode.  After showing up wasted and propositioning his dead ex-wife's sister for sex at her husband's funeral, the gang decides it's time they stage an intervention.  The episode ends back at Paddy's with a failed attempt at an intervention, and the entire gang drinking wine from diet soda cans.  I couldn't find a clip from the end of the episode, but here's a clip from earlier in the episode of DeVito as Frank looking like he's trying to reprise his role of the Penguin from "Batman Returns."

Roger and Don

Who: Don Draper and Roger Sterling, Mad Men (2007- )

What: Old Fashioned (Don), Martini (Roger)

Where: The office, restaurants, nightclubs, home, in the car, etc.

Why:  These guys had it made.  Life was theirs for the taking, and they took it. I spend my lunches eating Subway hoagies in the break room in our office.  These guys spent their lunches sipping on whiskey and gin and eating at the finest restaurants in Manhattan.

Classic moment:  When Don finds out that Roger hit on his wife, he devises a clever payback.  Ahead of an important meeting with Richard Nixon's campaign staff, Don takes Roger out for lunch and drinks.  Before they exit the building, we see Don whisper something to the elevator operator.  They spend lunch eating oysters and tossing back cocktails.  When they return, we realize that Don told the elevator operator to lie about the elevator being out of service.  Their hike to the 23rd floor begins.  Don uses this opportunity to embarrass Roger.  By time they reach the 8th floor we see Don lighting up a cigarette, while Roger is already feeling the effects of the walk.  Don, the younger and more fit of the two, is visibly winded as he makes it the 23rd floor office, but pulls himself together rather quickly and is introduced to the clients.  Moments later, Roger comes stumbling in like an extra from the set of "The Walking Dead" and is greeted by Don, Burt Cooper, Pete Campbell and Nixon's campaign staff.  Before getting a word out, Roger hunches over and vomits in the middle of the office for all to see.  Point Draper.    

I couldn't embed it, but the scene can be found here.

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So there you have it.  If you think I missed any drinking buddies or could have picked better moments for any of the characters, let me know.  I'm definitely be interested to hear other opinions.

Look for the next edition of Epic Blogas in April of 2013.