The Epic Blogas Week in Review (Feb 18th)

I'm fuckin' out!

This Week in Alcoholism:  When Kenny Powers of Eastbound and Down does it, it’s hilarious.  When all-world first baseman Miguel Cabrera does it, it’s sad.  A Florida sheriff’s deputy spotted the 27-year old Cabrera in a parked car on the side of the road with smoke coming from under the hood.  When approached by the deputy, Cabrera uttered the go-to phrase that every famous person who’s ever been drunk and in trouble has used: “Do you know who I am?”  In true Kenny Powers fashion, Cabrera then took a swig from an open bottle of scotch that he had with him.  Unfortunately for Cabrera, this wasn’t a scripted HBO comedy.

Mom of the Year front runner.

Mom of the Week:  Congratulations to our first unanimous mom-of-the-week winner, Caira Ferguson, 21, of Chester Township, PA.  In an attempt to show that she had been a victim of identity theft, Ferguson went to police with a picture of her with her daughter.  That seems innocent enough, right?  Wrong.  The picture featured a smiling Ferguson, alongside her then one-year old daughter whose arms and legs were duct taped to a chair while a piece of tape covered her mouth.  Needless to say, police were much more interested in the picture than the actual identity theft claim.  

The surviving three members have
started a "Never Miss a Doctor's
Appointment Club."  

This Week in Karma:  When you’re pushing 80 years old, the last thing you want to do is tempt the Grim Reaper.  But that’s exactly what Bob Cook did when he and the three other men of the “Never Miss a Super Bowl Club” filmed a commercial for Visa touting their perfect Super Bowl attendance.  Cook became ill as he was getting ready for his trip to Dallas. He was later hospitalized and unable to attend the game. Sadly, his condition worsened and he passed away earlier this week.   Superstitions and sports go hand-in-hand.  In baseball, when a pitcher is throwing a no-hitter, his teammates don’t talk to him in the dugout and the radio/TV announcers don’t discuss it on air.  I’m not suggesting Cook was deserving of his fate, but when you have a streak like that going, you don’t talk about it, let alone flaunt it on national television for millions to see. 

Stay classy, Detroit.

City of the Week:  Detroit, MI.  It’s nice to see that the American public has been paying attention to the recent turmoil in the Middle East.  If you take a closer look, you’ll see that the people of Egypt and the people of Detroit really aren’t all that different.  Both groups bravely stood up to their government to achieve a result for the common good of the people.  A grassroots campaign in Detroit helped raise $50,000 to help a RoboCop statue become a reality.  The campaign kicked off after a lighthearted tweet was sent to Detroit’s Mayor, Dave Bing.  "Philadelphia has a statue of Rocky & Robocop would kick Rocky's butt. He's a GREAT ambassador for Detroit," the tweet read.  Mayor Bing shot down the idea, but citizens took notice.  A Facebook group was started, the website detroitneedsrobocop.com launched and $25,000 was donated by a local businessman.  

Other statues to be erected in 2011:  John Spartan (of Demolition Man), in an undetermined location in the San Angeles region;  Ferris Bueller, outside of Wrigley Field in Chicago; and dual Crocodile Dundee statues, one in Grand Central Station in Manhattan and the other at the foot of the Sydney Opera House in Australia.  

An Epic Blogas Production

Presents:  

The Sports Calendar

Presents:
A Year of Sports

All of our lives, we’re told that a new year starts on the first day of January and ends on the last day of December.  I’m here to rid you of that notion, and introduce you to a new calendar of sorts.  Gone are the days of the 12-month year.  Who can remember the names of all 12 months, anyway?   I’ve made it easier for you, the sports fan.  I've broken the year into three parts: The Beginning, The Middle and The End.  I've gone over what I believe to be some of the best moments, games, tournaments and events that occur throughout the year.  I grouped some events together where I thought it made sense (Conference Tournaments + Selection Sunday + the NCAA Tournament = March Madness), while others I left others separate (NBA Draft Lottery, NBA Draft).  As you'll see, I have a strong bias towards MLB, NFL, NBA and NCAA Basketball, but I touched on various sports.  Feel free to hit me up with any suggestions.  I'll definitely add anything I deem worthy.  

The Beginning

A good stretch to
start off the sports year...

Spring Training - mid-February: Is there a better way to kick off the sports year?  It's February and ugly piles of black snow are still lining your street, but when you first get word that pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, your miserable life becomes just that much more bearable.

I'll admit, the year doesn't start off with a big bang.  Instead, it starts with a bunch of borderline-athletes stretching and working on bunting techniques...and I love it!  A spring training game is just a watered down version of the game you know and love, but just seeing it puts a smile on your face.  If you tune into a spring training game after the third inning, there's a good chance your favorite team will look like it was hijacked by players who you swore had retired three years ago, and no-name minor leaguers wearing numbers like 93 and 78.

Dick Vitale 2.0

March Madness – March:  March Madness starts with the conference tournaments, which often produce better games than the tournament itself.  Then comes Selection Sunday.  Selection Sunday is a long and drawn out television event that could be done away with if degenerates like myself didn't eat it up.  March Madness is right up there with the NFL playoffs as my favorite post-season event.  With the tournament comes filling out brackets, Cinderella, Gus Johnson, cheering for schools that you hadn’t heard of prior to the start of the tournament and most importantly:  watching games until your eyes bleed. I will surely devote an entire posting to the wonders of March Madness once the time is upon us.  

Start of the MLB Season - end of March, early April:  Overlap is always a good thing when it comes to sports. The Final Four and the start of the MLB season usually coincide, and this year is no different.  With March behind us, April brings us the first real signs of spring.  Birds are chipping, the black snow that lined your street is a thing of the past, and your favorite team is about to embark on a 162-game, six month marathon.  Best of all, there is a game on every night.  My love for football and baseball are polar opposites. I love football because of the build-up to the once-a-week games, and I love baseball because it's on every night.    

The Masters - early April:  All four majors are must-see for me, but the Masters is easily my favorite.  It goes hand-in-hand with the start of baseball and brings a similar feel.  Watching the final round of the Masters on the sofa with my dad on a lazy Sunday has become one of my favorite non-Philly-related sporting events to take in.       

The NHL and NBA Playoffs (includes Finals) - starts in April:  The NHL and NBA playoffs seemingly last forever.  Unlike MLB (only three rounds, one of which is best-of-five) and the NFL (single elimination), all of four rounds of the NHL and NBA playoffs are best-of-seven series.  Despite their lengthy nature, both are great tournaments.

NBA-haters either haven't watched the NBA in forever, don't like basketball or they're just racist (yeah, I said it...). I would tell them to watch the playoffs, which features the most talented players in the world on the best teams in the league on a nightly basis.  The immediate post-Jordan era was pretty bad, but the dust has since settled and the talent-level in the league has skyrocketed.

As far as hockey goes,  I've never been a huge fan, but I'm all-in once I see that first playoff beard.  Playoff hockey is undeniably better than its regular season counterpart.  If the NHL could figure out how to bottle the intensity of playoff hockey and inject it into the regular season, hockey probably wouldn't be on a network called Versus.    

One of him is enough 

NFL Draft (end of April):  I love the NFL draft, but I hate how everyone becomes a draft expert in the month or so leading up to it.  Suddenly, sports talk radio shows are flooded with calls from Mel Kiper Jr. wanna-be's who claim they know which Division II fullback would best fit their favorite team's zone blocking scheme.  

The first two rounds of the draft are exciting.  The third and fourth rounds are intriguing.  The fifth, sixth and seventh rounds make me realize that I have nothing better to do with my time than watch one of Roger Goodell's minions call out the names of players I've never heard of. 

The Middle

En route to the Elmer's Factory

The Kentucky Derby/Triple Crown –starts in May:  I’m not a horseracing fan.  I don’t follow the sport, not even a little bit.  In fact, I think it’s silly as all hell.  Despite that, the Kentucky Derby has always been a must-watch event for me.  I’ve always been a big proponent of sports history, and the Kentucky Derby oozes history (the first race was run 1875).  The Preakness and the Belmont Stakes (the other two-thirds of the the Triple Crown) also appeal to me, and I almost always watch them, especially if there is a Triple Crown contender.

NBA Draft Lottery - mid-May:  This one is for the hardcore NBA fan, but it's highly entertaining. Team representatives (owners, GMs, presidents, players, etc) from the 14 non-playoff teams get together as ping-pong balls are drawn to determine who gets the first pick in the draft.  The team with the worst record only has a 25% chance of winning the lottery, which usually makes for a night of awkward interviews and tense exchanges.

NBA Draft – June:  Once upon a time, the NBA Draft was one of my favorite events of the year.  The lottery used to be filled with well-known and well-established college stars.  Today the lottery features little-known foreigners, and talented-but-raw college freshman who have yet to learn the fundamentals of a game that they're about to get paid $60 million to play.  

NFL Training Camp – July: This one has a similar feel as Baseball Spring Training.  When your favorite NFL team hits the practice field in the dog days of summer, you know fall and winter aren't too far behind.  Training camp leads into preseason football.  Preseason football games are a lot like spring training exhibition games, you're excited to see it, if only because you know the real thing is right around the corner.  

MLB All-Star Game - mid-July: This is the only all-star game I have on this list because the other three are painful to watch (although I do still enjoy the NBA all-star game for some reason).  Baseball, by nature, isn't as violent as hockey, football or basketball.  Therefore, when the other three sports get together for their all-star games there is an unwritten rule that defense is frowned upon (defense might lead to contact, and contact might lead to injuries).  The nature of baseball allows its all-star game to be played at 100% by its participants.  Of course, the MLB All-Star game isn't perfect.  I think most baseball fans would agree that it's asinine that the winner of the All-Star game determines which league gets home field advantage in the World Series.   

I'm rich...  BOOM!

Madden Debut – mid-August:  I'm confident that I'll be playing Madden for the rest of my life.  If I were to dig deep enough though my  mess of a room, I'm certain I would find copies of Madden dating back to 1994.  From Sega, to the N64, to Xbox, to Xbox 360, the fine folks at EA Sports continue to put out a top-notch football game.  To top it off, Gus Johnson is the play-by-play guy in Madden 2011.

The Little League World Series – August:  The Little League World Series is awesome.  The teams are made of 11-12 year old kids who play the game because they love to (or because their parents insisted) and it really shows.  On top of that, it's a truer "World Series" than MLB's because it actually features teams from nations throughout the world.        

These exist, I swear...

Fantasy Football Drafts - August:   A fantasy football draft is something a non-sports fan will never be able to comprehend, and I'm sure we've all tried explaining.  If possible, the fantasy football draft should be done in person, and amongst friends.  One of the highlights of doing a draft in person is being able to look into a friend's eyes while you belittle him for taking Todd Heap in the 3rd round.

The End

NFL (and NCAAFB) kickoff – August/September:  After weeks of listening to reports about insignificant calf strains to fourth string defensive tackles, and about which undrafted rookie free agent looked like the next Jerry Rice in morning workouts, it’s finally time to hit the gridiron.  Cold weather is now at the doorstep, but it's much easier to deal with since football is there to ease your pain.  Every Sunday becomes its own mini-Super Bowl, as football fans throughout the nation huddle up in their living rooms to watch 12 hour of games and highlights.

College football has always been an appetizer for me, with the NFL being the main course.  I never really rooted for a team when I was younger.  Philadelphia, in general, isn't a big college football town.  My alma mater, Temple University, has become respectable in recent years and they have peaked my interest in the sport.  I've always watched college football, and I'll continue to do so, but it will always be second fiddle to the NFL.

The start of the NHL and NBA seasons – October:  The start of the NHL and NBA season are fairly lackluster, especially since we’re in the heart of the NFL season and the MLB playoffs are in full force.  However, it is really awesome when three or four of your favorite teams are all playing at the same time.  

Don't you wanna watch the World Series?!

MLB playoffs/The World Series – October:  Up until 2007, I had only experienced one season of playoff baseball (which ended as ugly as any playoff exit in the history of sports).  Then something funny happened:  the Phillies got good.  No longer were seasons ending in mid-August, and I instead found myself watching meaningful games in October.

Simply put:  Playoff baseball is as good as it gets.  Gone are the lazy afternoons of watching a game while you fall in-and-out of sleep, and in its place comes intense evenings of heart-pounding, nail-biting baseball.  

College Football Bowl Season - December- January: The system is blatantly flawed, a quick-fix makes way too much sense, but College Football Bowl Season is still a great time of year.  As of 2010, half of all of the 120 FBS schools played in a Bowl.  Despite the diluted nature of Bowl Season, I still find joy in watching a coach from Northern Michigan A&M get the Gatorade treatment after his team wins the Preparation-H Bowl on a Tuesday night in Little Rock, Arkansas.  

The top of the mountain

NFL Playoffs/Super Bowl - January/February:  Is there a better way to finish the Sports Calendar?  The only other yearly tournament that could rival the NFL playoffs in terms of intensity, is March Madness.  The NFL playoffs are seemingly perfect.

For the first two rounds we are treated with two games on Saturday and two on Sunday, followed by Conference Championship Sunday and The Super Bowl. The Super Bowl has become an American holiday.  So much so, that I believe Super Bowl Sunday should become Super Bowl Saturday to allow the American public the chance to fully enjoy the day (read: get very drunk).


Notable events I purposely left off, and why:
The Daytona 500 and NASCAR in general:  I don't care.
NHL/NBA All-Star Games and the Pro Bowl:  Boring.  The NBA dunk contest used to be cool, but it's unbearable now.  I'll watch parts of these games but I don't go out of my way to.
Tour de France:  Tour de I don't give a shit.
Wimbledon and Tennis in general:  see The Daytona 500.
World Series of Poker: Madden is more of a sport than this.
FIFA World Cup and the Olympics:  The only reason they're not on the list is because they're held every four years.  I've always enjoyed the Olympics, especially the Summer Games.  Soccer on the other hand, I didn't appreciate until the 2010 World Cup.  I'm not about to go buy Philadelphia Union season tickets, but I feel confident saying soccer doesn't suck nearly as much as I thought it did.

Epic Blogas Joins The Sports Dudes

as featured on:

The Sports Dudes (radio show)

Earlier today I joined the world-renowned Sports Dudes for a segment to discuss the "Ten Rules to Being a Better Sports Fan."  The Sports Dudes consists of Greg Goldman, Brandon Hoy, Anthony Falco (who filled in for Brandon today) and producer Jack Inslee.  They do their internet radio show out of Roberta's restaurant in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn. 

How to listen: 

Click on: http://www.heritageradionetwork.com/programs/27-Roberta-s-Specials

Go to episode episode #4, which is at the top of the page.  I join them about 13:00 minutes into the broadcast, but I encourage you guys to listen to the whole thing.  It's a nice change of pace from the typical sports talk radio format.

The Epic Blogas Week in Review

A "chugging" whiskey

This Week in Alcohol Poisoning:  This one has been making the rounds as of late, but in case you missed it, here you go:

With the recent news that a Panamanian company plans to start packaging and selling whiskey in a can, I can't help but imagine what kind of devastation this will wreak on my whiskey-drinking friends' livers.  I'm still torn as to whether to file this under "Great Innovations in Alcohol," or "Darwinism in the 21st Century."

Will other liquors be made available in can form?  Will soda companies hop on board?  How long before Coca-Cola starts making their own rum so they can package "Rum and Coke" in a can?  I'm not sure where the future will take us, but with innovations like whiskey in a can, Four Loko (RIP) and vodka whipped cream, we are on the door step of a major alcohol revolution (or the second coming of Prohibition).
(Thanks to a few readers who informed me that Jim Beam sells canned "Beam and Cola," I had no idea.)  

Baby got back (into a hot mess)

Deposed Dictator of the Week:  So, you say you're the former dictator of Haiti, huh?  And despite allegedly committing various human rights crimes (among other heinous acts) during your reign, you've somehow managed to live the last 25 years of your life in peace and quiet in France.  Enough time has gone by where an entire generation probably has no idea who you are.  So what's your next move?  You stay in France and continue to live out your days in relative anonymity, right?

Wrong.

On Tuesday, January 18th, Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier was arrested in Haiti on charges of corruption and embezzlement.  Just days prior, Duvalier returned to the ravaged nation that he once presided over.  I'm not a violator of human rights, but it's safe to say that if I was, I would never return to the country where I was suspected of committing those crimes.  Hell, ten years ago I got into trouble for underage drinking in Ocean City, MD when I was 17 and I still haven't been back.

Iggy Poop

The Epic Blogas Goat of the Week:  Andre Iguodala.  To quote the great Tom McGinnis (radio voice of the 76ers and perhaps the most under-appreciated announcer in the history of Philly sports), "Are you kiddin' me?!"

Iguodala "is what he is" at this point in his career, at least on the Sixers.  He's an amazing athlete, and he seems to give his maximum effort on a nightly basis.  If he has the right talent around him he can be a highly effective player, as we saw this past summer at the FIBA World Championship.

Unfortunately for Iguodala, players like Kevin Durant, Rudy Gay, and Derrick Rose aren't on the Sixers roster.  Instead, he takes it upon himself to try and be the star that this team so desperately needs.   By doing so, Iguodala continues to torment whatever remaining Sixers fans are left.  His inability to come through in the clutch is uncanny.   The missed free throws, and the missed shots in crunch time are tough to stomach. This week though, I can't shake the memory of the foul he committed on Jason Richardson in Orlando on Wednesday night. If you saw the game, you know what happened.  If you didn't see the game or read about it the next day, chances are you don't care anyways...

You're not gonna ask me to come back
next year, are you?

The Epic Blogas Hero of the Week:  Ricky Gervais.  I saw maybe four minutes of the Golden Globes on Sunday, but what I did see featured Gervais lambasting Hollywood.  My favorite jab was taken at Robert Downey Jr. (and I'm still not sure if Gervais was tipping his cap to The Simpsons and Troy McClure with this one): 

This Week in TV:  

• Thanks to King for pointing out to me that Deadwood went up on HBO On-Demand. I've been meaning to check this show out for awhile now.  I just watched the first episode and I'm excited to watch the rest of the series.  Speaking of which...  
• There's something to be said about being able to watch multiple episodes/seasons of a show at your own leisure.  Sure, it's nice to be on board with your favorite show from the start, but blowing through an entire series at your own pace is always appealing.  I've watched most of my favorite series in this fashion.  The week-to-week wait in between episodes can be painful, let alone the longer wait in between seasons.  My current favorite show on TV, Breaking Bad, had its season three finale in July of 2010 and doesn't start back up again until this July.  A whole year in between seasons?!  Things like this might be acceptable in Communist China, but not here... not in my America!   
• Also, look for NBC's Parks and Recreation.  Season three started last night.  If you want to catch up (and you have a Netflix account), the first two seasons are available on Netflix Instant.  Season one was short, and sort of an introduction to the characters, similar to the first season of It's Always Sunny.  Much like It's Always Sunny brought in Danny DeVito to spruce up season two, the writers at Parks and Recreation tapped into the underutilized Ron Swanson character from season one (played perfectly by Nick Offerman) and made him an iconic TV character by the end of season two. For those of you who were fans of the short lived Starz comedy Party Down, Adam Scott (Henry from PD) joined the Parks and Recreation cast as a full-timer this season.

   

The Ten Rules to Being a Better Sports Fan

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not good at many things.  However, what I am good at, I take pride in.  I like to think that I am a pretty damn good sports fan.  Growing up, I was fortunate to learn from a great sports fan, my father.   He passed along his passion and knowledge of sports to me, but while doing so he created a monster.  I’ve become such a nitpicky sports fan, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.   

The following is a list of what I believe to be the Ten Rules to Being a Better Sports Fan.  Like any set of rules, there are exceptions.  While writing this I had professional sports in mind, but these rules can certainly be applied to college sports.  If you take issue with any of these, feel free to leave a comment, but chances are… you’re wrong.     

10.  The Golden Rule…  This one is simple.  You get one team per sport.  You stick with that team through thick and thin.  You don't get an "AL" and "NL" team, you don't get a "east coast" and "west coast" team.  You just get one per sport.

For the first 25 years of my life, I never saw any of my favorite teams win a championship.  When the Phillies finally won it all in 2008, my whole world was turned upside down.  That victory was that much sweeter since I stuck with them during the tough times.  I grew up on memories of Joe Carter, J.D. Drew, Adam Eaton, Gregg Jefferies, David Bell, and Travis Lee (among many, many more).  Bottom line: you can only enjoy the highest of highs if you've experienced the lowest of lows.      

9.   Root, root, root for the home team…  Generally speaking, you should like the teams that play in the city that you grew up in or near, unless your parents or primary sports influence passed their favorite teams along to you in your formative years.  If you don’t live near a professional sports market, you can choose your teams at an early age, but be prepared to stick with them for life. 

8.  Home is where the heart is… Violators of this one really bug me. Nobody ever said being a sports fan was easy or convenient.   However, with today’s technology it is easy and convenient to be a good sports fan.  With technology like Slingbox, Satellite TV, streaming media, etc., there’s no reason why you should have to stop watching your favorite team just because you left home.   

7. There is no “I” in team… You root for the team first, and the individual second.  The names on the back of jerseys change all the time, the name on the front is what keeps you coming back.  Sure, your favorite team might have "alleged" rapists, murderers or dog killers on their roster, but you don’t watch sports because you’re a morally sound person.  If that were the case, you’d probably be doing something a lot more productive than sitting around and watching sports in your free time. 

The "alleged" rapist.

The "alleged" murderer.

The "alleged" dog killer.

6.  If they don’t win it’s a shame…  When your favorite team is out of the playoffs or their season ends, you don’t get to root for another team of your choosing.  You just sit back and enjoy the sport as an impartial observer.  Rooting implies that you have some sort of emotional tie to another team, which is in clear violation of The Golden Rule. Sometimes people will try to justify liking another team because they feel as if they have some kind of connection with someone on another team.  With the Eagles out of the playoffs should I be allowed to jump on the Steelers bandwagon because their offensive coordinator, Bruce Arians, used to be the head coach at my alma mater, Temple University?  I didn't think so...       

   

5.   The more you know…  Know your history.   Chances are your favorite team has been around for decades longer than you’ve been alive.  Take some time to learn the history of the team and the sport they play.  Anyone can read a box score and talk about the big game from last night.  What will really set you apart as a sports fan, is your ability to recall who led your favorite team in field goal percentage in 1978.    

4.    Very superstitious…  Being superstitious is acceptable, especially during the playoffs.  Sure, you probably have a slight case of OCD, but if you really think that wearing the same unwashed sweatpants that you've worn every Sunday for the last three months will help your team win, then go for it.   Your wife or girlfriend might think you’re a slob, but if she can’t understand your inherent need to support the team, then perhaps she’s not “the one” after all. 

3.   Should I stay or should I go?  Opting to stay home for games is acceptable.  Don’t let your drunken buddies tell you otherwise.  With the recent availability of HDTV’s, staying home for the big game is becoming increasingly appealing.  The bigger the game, the more I’d be compelled to tell someone to go if they have the chance, but I’ll never knock someone for wanting to watch it from the comfort of their couch, with their 50”HDTV, instant replays, cheap beer, and their own personal toilet.    

Or the view from here?

The view from here?

    

2.   Simmer down…  This one is directed at the overzealous sports fan.  You are the sole reason why a lot of people find it impossible to watch a game at a sports bar.  There is a thin line between being passionate and being an annoying asshole.  This also goes for the guy at the game who takes it upon himself to try and get everyone in his section to stand up and cheer.  Just sit down, and leave me alone.   

Do you REALLY want to sit next to this guy at the game?

1.  Nobody likes a sore winner...  Congratulations, your favorite team just won the championship!  Now it's time to act like a champion.  When your team wins, you should focus on the positive. Go out and celebrate with your fellow fans.  Do NOT call your buddy who is a fan of the opposition*. There is a time and a place to talk smack, but kicking your friends while they are down is just plain wrong.  

*- This rule can easily be negated if your friend is a non-stop smack-talker.  In this event, feel free to rub it in his or her face until you are content with the results.   

DISCLAIMER:  Epic Blogas takes no responsibility for bodily harm induced by too much smack-talking..