Editor's Note: I was a lazy kid. Fortunately, I grew up just 10 houses away from an equally lazy, if not lazier kid than myself. The 20+ year friendship I’ve had with Greg Goldman grew purely out of laziness. We were both victims of Suburban USA. Our bikes could only take us so far... and we were really lazy. I didn’t even like Greg for the first couple of years. By time third grade rolled around, I think we both realized that neither of us was going to do much better in the best-friend department. We settled on each other, and haven’t come up with a good enough reason to stop being friends since then. If you're offended by any of the following, take it up with him.
-Bogas
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By: Gregor
When I’m distracted or not paying attention to what's going on around me, my brain tends to “think” on its own without consulting me first. I’ve spoken to said "brain" about this and we have yet to come to an agreement on how to move forward. I've noticed that I tend to do most of my thinking in what I like to call "thinking zones" (riding the subway without cellphone service, failed attempts at falling asleep sober, or waiting for the deli guy to mess up my sandwich order). I've had a lot of useless ideas that will never come to fruition. Recently, I was at the deli waiting for a sandwich I likely didn't order, and I decided to conjure up some yet-to-be-invented
The Liar App - Everyone has people in their lives (loved ones mostly) who they want, or sometimes need to lie to, but they can’t because it’s so difficult with all these global positioning systems, status updates, checking-in, etc. We are living in the age of transparency, causing tough times for the serial liars out there. This app is really simple: it manipulates information on your emails, call logs, texts, GPS status, etc. Say you have a co-worker who wants to hang out all the time and you just can’t stand to see the look on his face when you tell him you don’t want to go to his lame ugly sweater party. So you tell him you’re going to call him on Friday (blatant lie) and then when you see him on Monday you show him your phone which shows three phone calls to him. This app can also check you into places, like “Volunteering at Soup Kitchen” or at an “Art Gallery Opening” while you’re really watching the fifth season of Peep Show at home by yourself.
He Said/She Said App -
Where the Liar App is a tool to help prevent you from getting into a jam, this
app is designed to help you get out of one. This simple, yet effective app may
save your relationship. You start off by
typing something that your significant other says or asks of you, and the app
formulates a response that will keep you out of the doghouse. For example, when
your girlfriend says, “The cherry blossoms
are blooming at the botanical garden right now, we should go!” The app will
formulate a few suggested responses like, “Yes,
I’ve been meaning to check out the Japanese hill and pond garden,” or “Let’s go right now!” and then a few
suggested responses to avoid like “Are you kidding me? I'd rather kill myself,” and “Why don’t you just
go with your sister?”
"What Race Is This Person?" - I’m not racist. I can prove it because I went to a Rock Against Racism concert 10 years ago and bought a t-shirt. This evidence clearly shows my unquestionable acceptance of all races and cultures, so here are the details: The purpose of this app is to avoid coming off as uneducated, awkward, and (most importantly) racist in social settings. The app works by taking a picture of the person in question and it details that person’s racial/ethnic background. So to use myself as an example, if someone was curious of my race they could discreetly take a picture of me and this would show up: | 3rd generation American | White-Eastern European Dissent | Kinda Jewish. Nobody wants to have to awkwardly ask the Korean guy in accounting if he has any recommendations for your trip to Thailand, or piss off the Turkish waitress by asking if just one or both of her parents are Mexican. It could also come in handy for your “Italian” friend who's actually 6% Italian, but claims otherwise.
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About the Author: Greg, no stranger to the internet, wrote and directed one of my favorite YouTube videos of all-time (shout out to the stars of the video- "Slippery" Pete Hill and Tim "Don't call me TJ" Sanders). Greg has also made an appearance on Epic Blogas before, when he invited me to join him on his Sports Dudes webcast in 2011. Look for more contributions from him in the future.
-Bogas
